What is Wrong with me??

I have got to stop stressing about this pregnancy.
Lately, all I've done is worry about the fact that my only symptoms are slight cramps in the ute and barely sore boobs. Which leads me to googling. Which leads me to find all of this stuff that I know is bullshit, but then I worry about it more.

My usual mantra is, why worry or get angry if it's not going to change anything? Being stressed about this pregnancy isn't going to decide whether or not this baby sticks, it's just going to stress me out.

So why can't I stop? Ugh.

FWIW- I'm 5 weeks today, yay!

4 FRER, 2 Clearblue Digis and a Blood Test all say...

I am KTFU!

I can't believe it. I'm still holding my breath because I can't imagine us being so lucky as to get pregnant on our first succesful Clomid cycle. Please, baby, stick.

I POAS Tuesday night just for the hell of it. My period was due the next day and I had had some cramping. I freaked when I saw the 2nd line.... Adam freaked when he realized that he was holding a stick I just urinated on.

Wednesday morning, I went for a beta with my Auntie. She said the results were "inconclusive." Basically it was a positive, but not high enough (come to find out she thought I had said I had been pregnant since September, not that my due date would probably be Sept.), I had blood taken today and they doubled : )

First baby purchase: a diaper bag from coach : )

Merry Christmas to me and Adam!

Guess Who's in the 2WW?

That's right.... ME!

I am pretty excited to be 4dpo, with decent timing (though Adam wasn't giving it up as much as I wanted him to).

Even if this cycle doesn't result in a BFP I am still excited that I ovulated... That's right, I ovulated! Woohoo!

So, thank you 100mg Clomid. I hope that our relationship is a short but satisfying one.

Thank You 100mg Clomid

I am 99.9% sure that I ovulated yesterday. YAY!!!
And our timing isn't horrible. YAY again!

:)

Adam and I did get into a TTC argument though. Night before last he didn't feel well so we didn't have sex. I was upset but let it go because I figured we'd have sex last night. Then all yesterday evening he kept picking arguments with me. Then he didn't want to have sex because we had argued all night.
I was upset. I felt that FINALLY my body is doing what it's supposed to after a year and we're throwing it all away because he was in a bad mood.
Further, I am so close to wanting to give up, when I thought we were going to have sex I just didn't know what to do. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired and blah.
Either way, I think he finally "got it." We ended up having fantastic make up sex :)

Stupid note: If I get KU, my EDD is Sept. 1st. 6 days before my birthday!

Cheri22

So, one of the things that has been going around thebump is a baby psychic, Cheri22 (http://www.cheri22.com/)

Basically you tell her your info, send a picture and she gives you the month that either birth, conception or BFP happens in and the sex. If you pay ($10), then she gives you a personality profile as well.

Entertaining, no?

So, I thought why the hell not? But then decided I didn't want to wait the 1 1/2 months for a free reading, so I paid $10 bucks, sent along my background and a picture of me and a picture of me & Adam.
Then I waited... and waited... and then my prediction was 1 day late.

Since I'm sure you're dying to know, here's what it said (C&P'd).

Hi Bonita

Thank you for being patient with me while I got back to your reading

 

They show you guys having a little girl and they relate her to NOVEMBER so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in

 

AS a child she is someone who is definitely going to stand out. Shes someone who I would consider to be a bit more "aggressive" and not in a bad way. Shes the type of child who really does enjoy what she does and does not want to be the one left behind<> She will often go out of her way to ensure that whatever homework she has is done the same day its assigned, and returned to school. She works hard for whatever she wants and has his expectations of herself. Always wanting to be the one that does well and always have you and her father proud;.

 

Shes someone who I would see is very good wtih seeing what is right in front of you. Not one who is going to "look the gift horse in the mouth". If someone does something nice for her, shes thankful for it, She is going to appreciate it. Sometimes people have a hard time accepting when someone does something nice, but your daughter is graceful and accepts the help if its offered.

 

Shes always going to have people seeing her as someone that they can depend on and is always going to be there when you need her. Always treating people fairly and encouraging others to do what they can to try and help out.

 

She loves skipping with the skipping rope, often her and a few other friends will practice certain games and are actually quite fast at it. She is someone who is always going to be more of the "leader" in the group. Always the one that gives the suggestions that everyone just seems to naturally follow along with. She can be pretty assertive at times when he wants something badly enough. Would rather not have to do it on her own and is usually pretty good about finding a friend to do alot of the things that she likes.

 

When it comes to your daughter, they show her linked to working in an office setting

 

 

When ti comes to marriage I am seeing her closer to 23. They will have one girl and one boy of their own.

Yup, Adam and I are going to have the next female jump roping gold medalist. :)

But I am hoping that November is the birth month (getting KU in Feb) and not the conception or BFP month. I REALLY don't want to wait that long, lol.

New Cycle, New Hope

Today is CD1.
Although, it usually means that I'm disappointed, this time, I am super excited. We are trying round 3 of Clomid at 100 mg. I am hoping and praying that it works. If not, then I know that we have a "next step."

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving! I get to take Clomid dose #1 on Friday, so it looks like I'll be shopping with hot flashes :)

RE Appointment

Ok, so I'm a little late posting this, but I had my 1st RE appointment on Friday (Nov. 12th).

I am so happy and relieved that I made this appointment. I loved the office. It was very relaxed.
We got to meet with our RE (Dr. Roach), and she sat down and talked to us about my history. I explained to her that I was Dx'd in Oct. 2009 with PCOS. I've been on birth control since I was 18, and had recently stopped taking it because we didn't care if we got pregnant or not. When I hadn't had my period in 8 months, I chalked it up to stress at work, and my body getting used to not being on birth control. When I say my Gyno, Dr. Gayle, she did some blood work and Dx'd PCOS due to elevated hormones.

Dr. Roach basically explained that she was surprised that I was started on 50 mg of Clomid, since most women with PCOS need 100 mg to respond to it. She gave us two options:

1. Start injectible medications now - this WILL make me ovulate, if it doesn't, then I might have tube blockage. This greatly increases the chance of multiples.

2. Increase my Clomid to 100 mg this cycle. If it doesn't work, then increase it to 150mg. If it still doesn't work, THEN move on to injectibles.

She said at this point, an HSG to test my tubes wasn't neccessary since I'm pretty much obviously not ovulating due to my PCOS.

We then went and had an ultrasound. I loved that she pointed everything out to us. She said my uterus is a normal shape and size and that my ovaries aren't TOO bad with cysts, but that it definately confirms it.

Adam and I decided to stick with Clomid for the next two cycles, we are hoping that the increased medications are what I need. I am taking a blood test on CD 25 of next cycle to check my prog. levels. She suggested that I stop charting if it stresses me out, but I think I'd be more stress w/o charting.

One thing she said that I really, really liked and is going to be my mantra if these two cycles don't work: "Clomid is an imperfect medication. If you do not ovulate it is not your fault, it is the medicine's fault."

Overall, I feel much more hopeful than I have in the past :)

Mini Breakdown

So, I had a temp drop yesterday. Plugged it into FF and my crosshairs got taken away.
I just couldn't DEAL with another annovulatory cycle. I take a medication that makes me feel sick EVERYDAY (metformin), I take another one that makes me feel shitty 5 days out of my cycle and gives me hot flashes (Clomid), and then I take one that makes me fucking crazy after the first two don't work so I can get my period (Provera)

ALL of that, and my damn body won't cooperate. I am so frustrated. Out of the 11 months we have been trying I've had the opportunity to get pregnant ONCE... ONCE!!!

I'm over it. I just don't care anymore.(lie)

I can't wait to get to the RE next Friday and get some answers

14DPO

This is my longest LP ever, and still no signs of my period.

Also, no signs of pregnancy.

This morning I was going to POAS, but there weren't any around. So I held it and ran to the gas station (you'd think they'd have some off brand cheapie, but no), so I went to the grocery store down the street. That was also a no go.

So I drove to the middle of town to walgreens, almost peed myself on the way home and then got a BFN.

It sucks, but at least I O'd, so this cycle is still a success and I have an RE appt. Nov. 12th!!

10 (or 6) DPO

Apparently, I ovulated. I'm pretty darn excited!

Not to mention that I also got a new (to me) car! It's an '08 Ford Explorer, fully loaded.

I had a slight day of depression on Friday (before I really believed I ovulated) when I realized that we have been TTC for almost a year and I have only ovulated once (now, twice). So I made an appointment with an RE for Nov. 12th. I can't wait to get a plan figured out so we know where we are headed!! Or, maybe I'll get a BFP and cancel the appointment (Hello, Optimism, it's nice to have you back!).

To O or Not To O....

that is the question I'm asking my body.

Currently I am waiting to ovulate. I'm pretty impatient and not really optimistic, however I did have something that could be considered O-pain on Wednesday.

I bought some $Tree OPKs (New Choice) and as far as I can tell, the directions say as long as there is a line (no matter how faint), it's positive. So, I've gotten 2 positives. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

I added a nifty timeline that I hope to keep updated in the side bar of my blog.

On other notes,  A and I are going to go test drive small SUVs tonight. I am pretty excited!! I *hate* my car, and I would like something bigger for when I get pregnant and have kids. =)

Cycle 7

I started my period yesterday, so now we're on cycle 7, round 2 of clomid.
I'm hoping that this will be our month (fingers crossed!!), though I'll be happy if I just ovulate!

Today was my Godson's baptism. He didn't even cry when they poured the water on his head! I swear he is the sweetest little boy. His eyes are steel grey and gorgeous. After that we had lunch with my friend's family and then made the hour long trip back home. It was a great day, I just can't wait to have a little one of my own!

Cart Before Horse

I *love* Design Dazzle. They have some of the cutest nurseries and kids rooms and I get TONS of ideas from here.

This is the nursery I am currently loving if A and I ever have a little girl.





I absolutely love the colors! The only thing I'm not a fan of is the crib skirt. Other than that it's pretty much exactly what I want our future LO's nursery to look like!

Update

So, the first Clomid cycle was a bust.
I was really hoping that I would ovulate on 50 mg, but at the same time, I'm not really that surprised. I have been really slacking on my metformin. The one month I ovulated on my own, I took my met every single day, so I am trying to make sure I do that now.

Right now the plan is to wait for my Provera-induced period, and then try another cycle at 50 mg of Clomid.
I am trying to put off going to an RE until March, if possible. A's insurance doesn't cover any infertility treatments, but if I get insurance through my company (enrollment is in March), not only is it cheaper, but the copay for "Advance Infertility Treatments" is $100-$250. And the co-pay for going into labor is $250, too.
I'm not going to put TTC on hold, mostly just because I don't want to. (And after this past cycle, I'm not totally convinced that I'll be pregnant by March)

Work has been super busy. I haven't been able to participate much on thebump.com, and that really bums me out. Also, so many people have gotten pregnant, I kind of feel left behind =( Stupid, I know.

Good news: I'm becoming a Godmother this weekend!
AND, My cousin is getting married next weekend and I get to spend next Thursday-Sunday in beautiful Austin, TX.

B

CD 22

and no O.

I'm so afraid this Clomid cycle is going to be a bust... figures.

that's all.

Staying Optimistic

I'm usually pretty optimistic. Compared to A, I'm freakin' Pollyanna.

However, I can't help but be nervous that this Clomid cycle isn't going to work. I know it is stupid to think that we'll get pregnant on the first cycle, but I am also nervous that I won't ovulate.
One thing I have noticed, my temps seem to be a bit more stable so far this cycle (I'm on CD 11), hopefully they'll stay that way until O, and then they'll stay up for a BFP!


On other life notes, my Uncle was put in the ICU on Saturday. I really feel for his 2 girls (ages 10 and 8), they are really scared for him. I know you don't know me, but have a quick though for him, if you don't mind.

Where to begin?

I've actaully had this blog sitting here, blank, for a few weeks. Before that, I toss around the idea of even starting a blog.
Who would read it? Who would make it past the first line?

Then I realized that I didn't really care. This is my outlet, my way of contributing to the numerous women who have PCOS and who have decided that they would like to have children (or another child), if someone isn't interested or doesn't like it, oh well.


My husband (let's call him A) and I met my freshman year of college. We dated, fell in love, broke up for a while in between, dated some more, got engaged and were married in June 2008.
We bought a house about a year ago (crazy to think it was just a year ago we were dealing with real estate bull shit!) in the same town that I grew up in.
I work in a legal office in a major city and my husband works for a school district warehouse.
We have 3 "furbabies," and we love them like they are our children.

I was diagnosed with PCOS in October 2009.

Major symptoms of PCOS are (in no paticular order): irregular periods, acne, weight gain (esp. in the abdominal area) and excess hair (on face, neck etc.). I had all of these symptoms, going for months at a time without a period unless I was on birth control.

Most women who have PCOS also have insulin resistance. It's complicated to explain but if you want more information feel free to click here.

In January 2010, A and I decided to chunk the Nuvaring. I don't know why, but we subscribed to the idea that we'd get pregnant when we decided to actually try (You don't have to tell me, I know how idiotic that sounds now).

After not having a period at all (and I understood that no period = already pregnant OR not ovulating), I made an appointment with my Dr. in March 2010

I was put on a medication called Metformin (aka Glucophage).

Metformin (Met) is the devil. I swear it is the worse medication I have ever taken. I constantly felt nausea, stomach cramps and had the poos (lovely info, right?). It is now August and I am FINALLY starting to not feel like crap all the time.

Thanks to a lovely online site called Fertility Friend, I was able to track my cycle and see when I ovulated. Yay! I ovulated in June... but the cycle after that.... nothing. Not even a positive OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit). So, back to the Dr. I went.

After another round of Prometrium (basically progestrone to help start your period), I have finally started my first round of Clomid! And that brings us to present.

In a nut shell:

Oct 2009 - Dx with PCOS
Jan 2010 - Bye bye birth control
Jan-March 2010 - No period =(
March 2010 - Start Met.
June 2010 - Finally ovulate! Start my period while on our very belated honeymoon =(
July- August 2010 - Annovulatory cycle = no period = me taking Prometrium for 5 days (aka the bitch pill)
August 2010 - Start Clomid Cycle Day (CD) 5-9 crossing my fingers to O (ovulate)!


Resources:

Soul Cysters: Great community to learn more and talk to others about PCOS

Fertility Friend: Really, start charting. It's easy and it tells you A LOT about what is going on with your body. No more second guessing if and when your period is supposed to start! *Check out the tutorials, you won't be lost then*

The Bump: Awesome forums for those Trying to Get Pregnant. Please do not post "Am I Pregnant" questions. Just pee on a stick and read some posts before jumping in. Stupidity is usually not welcomed.

Finally, read Taking Charge of Your Fertility. If you do not want to buy it, go to a library. It's there, it's informative without being boring and it teaches more than any health class you've ever taken. Plus, there's a nifty picture galley =)

And for those interested: Click HERE to see my chart =)