Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Thoughts On Becoming a Mother

I came across a poem that I absolutely love. Infertility is usually glossed over or ignored. It is a taboo subject that I hope more women become open about.

Thoughts On Becoming A Mother (Author Unknown)

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

One Week

Corbin is one week old today (well, since it's 1:30 a.m., I suppose he's 1 week & 1 day).
I can't believe a week has already passed and my baby has already changed so much! He's now a wiggle worm and even attempts to lift his head to gaze around. My little heifer sometimes eats up to 3 oz per feeding already.
He already looks different, too. Not anything major, just less like a wrinkley newborn.

Time needs to slow down!

As for me, I am doing surprisingly well. Besides being a little piggy, Corbin loves his sleep (knock on wood!), and I've been able to get about 6 hours at night (broken up, of course). While I am tired, and it may just be the new mom hormones at work, it's not nearly as bad as I thought it'd be.
Adam is a huge help. I haven't had to clean (though I did do a load of dishes in the dishwasher lol) anything. Not a single bottle, not anything around the house. He's also been doing all the cooking and general housekeeping.
He's still a bit nervous about handling Corbin. Adam feels like he's a little wiggly bobble head that might break on him. Diapers intimdate him, as does feeding. I really hope he comes around soon. Even if it's just feeding and cuddling, Corbin needs daddy time!!

I was able to get out of the house today. We went to Target to buy my little cousin a wedding shower gift and just walk around. Luckily Corbin seems to like riding in a car (for now), and slept pretty much the entire time. So far, I am very happy. I was worried about PPD or the baby blues and while I know there is still time for it to hit me, I've never been happier than when I'm cuddling my baby boy!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Corbin Heath is Here!!

It's been a while since I updated.
I had been diagnosed with pregnancy induced hypertension (PIH), however my blood pressure leveled off after a week or two.
After a growth ultrasound, my doctor suggested that I schedule an induction for August 23. So, that is what I did.
Once I hit 37 weeks, I was pretty much officially done being pregnant. I was sore, tired and just miserable. At my 37 week appointment, there was minimal progress, so I began praying that August 23 would get here quickly.
I woke up Monday morning at 4:30 a.m. and I was having what I thought were contractions. It was like a very strong cramp that started in my back and would sometimes radiate around to the front. If you've ever had a kidney infection, the back pain was very similar to that. I figured it was just false labor, and laid in bed reading a book until I had to go to the office.
By the time 8:30 rolled around, I was hurting bad enough that I almost didn't go in. But there were some last minute things that needed to get done, so in I went. I finally decided to call my OB, however it was almost 12. So I decided to wait until after lunch. By 1:00 p.m. the contractions had subsided and I was glad I didn't call and sound dumb about false labor pains lol.
That evening they started up again, but were not nearly as regular nor painful. Adam and I went to my grandpa's house to fix his TV and my uncle was there. He could tell I was miserable and I told him I had been feeling contractions all day. His birthday was on Wednesday (August 17th) and he started making jokes that Corbin would share his birthday. Just teasing, I said I'd rather go late than them share a birthday haha!

We went home and the contractions again subsided and I was able to go to bed at 11 p.m. I usually wake up between 3:30 and 4:00 to use the bathroom. As usual, I woke up around 3:15 and felt a small piddle. I jumped out of bed as fast as I could thinking that I'd hate to have to wake up Adam to help me change the sheets I peed on. As soon as I was on my feet, the flood gates open! I turned on the side lamp and work Adam up. As soon as he heard "I think my water broke", he said ok and walked out of the bedroom. I have no idea where he was going but I asked him for towels.
After that I called the hospital who wanted me to come in. We finished packing the bag we hadn't put together yet and headed to the hospital where they admitted me. My contractions still hadn't started back up, but when checked, I was already at 5 cm!
After a while I felt a few pains, and decided that I'd had enough pain the day before and got an epidural. It went amazingly well, I did not feel any pain, but was able to feel my contractions perfectly fine. It made them feel like braxton hicks contractions. My blood pressure dipped a few times, but some extra fluids brought it back up.
By 2:30 p.m. I was ready to start pushing. The nurse had me do some "practice pushes" and she was shocked at how quickly his head was starting to come. She asked me to stop pushing until the Dr. arrived.
I was able to feel every single push, however there was no way in hell that I'd be able to stop pushing. The urge was just there and I couldn't stop. I told the nurse and she told me to continue. The Dr. arrived just as he was starting to crown. She sat down and in two more pushes, Corbin was out! He was born at 2:55 p.m. and he only took about 5 or 6 pushes and less than 15 minutes!
I have a second degree tear, but other than that and some extreme swelling, both he and I are fine. We were both discharged on Thursday.
Adam and I are both so in love. He is the cutest little thing ever, and a great baby.

And because I love showing him off, here he is!

Corbin Heath Kazmir born 8/16/2011 @ 2:55 p.m. He weighed 7lbs, 8oz